Adam Dorsey.com

Tipping for Quality

I wrote this today, but it is fiction, because I had a really good cup of a coffee.

I go to put a dollar in the jar, but then my hand hesitates. I remember that godawful mocha in that Shitbucks on La Cienega. I tipped there. I tipped before tasting, you know, which is the norm, but it’s a stupid norm. I felt so guilty having tipped—I feel so guilty still, today—because maybe my single dollar-bill and loose change encouraged that barista to keep barista-ing. I mean, it tasted like Yoohoo squeezed from Satan’s anus, someone should have been fired over that fucking mocha.

The dollar is already out, though. Do I put in the dollar? What else do I do, I mean, keep it until I taste the coffee? She’s cute. That shouldn’t matter, but it does. So maybe the dollar doesn’t matter. Maybe the coffee doesn’t matter. —No! Eff that, this is L.A., everyone is cute, the hard part is finding a good cup of coffee. I’ve even tipped dudes down here because they make a good cup of coffee, and I mean, that goes against everything I believe in.

Oh god, she thinks I’m stealing this dollar. My hand is literally in the cookie jar. What facial expression do I flash to make her aware that I’m not taking this money, but instead putting it in? Well, not putting it in, but thinking about putting it in—ultimately taking it out, but thinking about putting it in. Oh god, I’m sexualizing this, aren’t I?

I drop the dollar in and smile. She gives me a fake-smile and passes me my mocha. It’s a pretty smile. Maybe I can keep coming back here. Maybe I can ask her out. Did that smile mean something? Maybe it was a fake-smile because her mind was so busy thinking about me putting my tip into her tip jar, then taking my tip out of her tip jar, then putting my tip back in her tip jar, over and over again. Yeah…

I smile at her again. I take a sip. BLSHFSFD! A spit the coffee all over the clean white floor. Why is Satan drinking so much Yoohoo and then selling his concentrated shit to Los Angeles area coffee shops? Fuck this town.