Adam Dorsey.com

I don’t normally post stuff from the sites I work for, but...

Thu, 24 May 2012 11:45:40 -0700

I don’t normally post stuff from the sites I work for, but I found this hilarious. Makes me want to write a zombie-like movie that’s just about disgruntled cows. Wait, is that a South Park episode?

"There should always be something inside a monster that helps you understand it, and makes you less..."

Tue, 22 May 2012 16:27:31 -0700

“There should always be something inside a monster that helps you understand it, and makes you less scared of it, and able to make the monster go away. Not just a bunch of stuff that makes you more confused and scared.And why, after they escaped the house, did that old man tell them another scary story about a mean fat lady that didn’t make very much sense either? I’ll tell you why. Because Gil Kenan is a hack and Steven Spielberg is a moron. But hey, I shouldn’t be dumping this stuff on you. Let’s just say, Salinger, that I have a lot of questions about that movie, too.”

- Dan Harmon sends a letter to Kelly Oxford’s son about his movie Monster House

Brilliant stuff.

"Weirdly, men manage to stick their penises into stuff all the time without slut-shaming themselves..."

Thu, 17 May 2012 13:55:30 -0700

“Weirdly, men manage to stick their penises into stuff all the time without slut-shaming themselves into oblivion. Drake isn’t releasing a track about how many chicks Colin Farrell has dropped his panties for (although I WISH HE WOULD BECAUSE HAHAHAHAH). But the problem with slut-shaming goes way beyond the problem of a double-standard. It’s not just that men and women both engage in slutty behavior and therefore no one has a right to throw stones—it’s that there is nothing wrong with slutty behavior (or, as I like to call it, behavior) in the first place.”

- Rihanna Does Whatever She Wants With Her Vagina and for Some Reason That’s a Problem

Funny and smart article about why we need to stop judging Rihanna and other celebrity women’s sexy lives, so that we can accept sexual behavior and protect women’s sexual health. Plus it’s written by my Seattle homegirl Lindy West.

"I try to work with clients who have the right motivations,” he says. How does he know?..."

Thu, 17 May 2012 11:14:00 -0700

““I try to work with clients who have the right motivations,” he says. How does he know? “You get a feeling,” but Lisagor also has another indicator: “It’s always disappointing when they use the word viral. It crushes my dreams.””

- Adam Lisagor: The Video Guru - Los Angeles Arts - Public Spectacle

Adam Lisagor is one of my favorite people who I don’t know. I’ve been following him on twitter since before you knew what twitter was. I’m a huge fan of his podcast, fashion show, and Sandwich Videos. I ran into him briefly when we were both waiting in line to buy our iPhone 4, and he was super considerate of my geeking-out fandom.

And what he says up there about choosing your clients is spot-on and I hope I can get there someday. I had a Skype call yesterday where the word “viral” was tossed around several times, and I have to say, my dreams were adequately crushed.

Probably time to find better clients.

"I got Beats by Dre headphones, so I’ve been listening to more rap and stuff."

Tue, 15 May 2012 11:48:41 -0700

“I got Beats by Dre headphones, so I’ve been listening to more rap and stuff.”

- Adam Dorsey.

Call me if you need a spokesman, Dre.

Adam Dorsey: FACT OR FICTION?

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:39:00 -0700

It’s been a crazy couple weeks for a lot of reasons, the least of which is that I went to Disneyland for the first time ever.

There’s been good crazy, bad crazy, necessary crazy, and along the way I’ve just been crazy busy. I’ve tried to be as adult and grown-up as possible at each step of this crazy week, and for the most part I’m pretty proud of how I’ve handled myself. There’s a lot of stuff happening, and I probably won’t write about it all here, because this website isn’t my diary—Which is kind of what I wanted to talk about.

Last week I “got in trouble” for a fictional post I put up here that was apparently interpreted by a lot of people in my life as being factual. In part, that’s a huge compliment (MY FICTION IS SO GOOD IT FEELS REAL!), but it’s caused some pain to some good friends, and so it’s ultimately not a good thing.

I understand that strangers could mistake some of the posts on here as being factual when they’re not. I write in a gonzo style by using my real name in stuff, I use details from my real life to enhance the realism, and I put it all on tumblr, a service that 14-year-olds who have never heard of Livejournal love to use like it’s their life journal. So I understand. That said, when people who are my friends—who know me pretty well—mistake fictional writings by me—fictional writings with a voice that isn’t my own describing events that didn’t occur… it’s more than weird. But again, I’m trying to understand.

I’ve worked really hard to create a life in which I can be myself. I don’t lie to people, I’m upfront about my emotions and my personality. I work jobs and surround myself with friends that realize I’m a guy who posts weird things on the internet. I have a twitter that is 40% fiction. I have a website where I post pictures of animals with suicidal captions. I made and put this video online when I was in a happy relationship.

People ask me whether I’m afraid about my internet presence. What if a potential employer finds a video of me in my underwear and then doesn’t hire me? What I’ve always said is that that’s a place I don’t want to work anyway, which is true. I had a job in the past where I didn’t feel as if I could be myself, and because of that I grew more and more unhappy, never showed my true self to my co-workers, and eventually quit. Now I’m friends with co-workers who I never opened up to during the job, because I just couldn’t be me. I’ve decided not to put myself in that situation again, and so if I’m just open and honest and myself all the time, then whatever.

Of course the rub is that me being myself doesn’t always mean the things with my name on them are fact. I explained my current problem to a friend, and he said “people don’t understand how fiction is written,” which is true I guess, but it makes me feel like such an idiot to say out-loud. I write my fiction for lots of reasons, but usually for reasons I don’t know until years later. There’s a drive in me, a thing in my chest that has to work itself out in some words on a website or some images in a silly internet video. Without thinking about it, I throw all my past life experience, all my current hangups, all the human details I’ve noticed from the people around me, and all the things that haven’t happened but live in my imagination, and I throw it all in a blender and out comes the story I want to tell. That means I recently finished a screenplay that’s about me and my nephew and the relationship we shared—only if we were in a movie, and he accidentally connected to the collective unconscious and jacked into the answers to all the questions on Earth. And then suddenly something that started out about me isn’t about me anymore, it’s about this new person who isn’t me at all, even though we share a name.

Same thing happens on here. I get a nugget of truth from a conversation, and that makes me want to write a story. Or a tweet hits me in the shower where I can’t tweet, and so it becomes longer, and it becomes a fictional blog post that I post here. Something might have started as me, but quickly it becomes a whole other thing. Or it’s always another thing, but I borrow a description of a haircut or a shrug or a Radiohead-affinity from a place in my real life. That’s how fiction is made, you guys.

So again, I never want to hurt anyone with the things I write, and I’m sorry if that’s happened here. To be honest, I don’t even know if I took down the right offensive blog post, because I’m not even sure which one people thought was fact. But hopefully we’re cool now.

Maybe this is a 21st century problem that I hadn’t thought about yet. Used to be, a writer wrote a book, and it took years for it to be published and make it into the hands of his friends, and by then, the details he had borrowed, the inspirado he had taken from fact and made into fiction had long since dissipated and been forgotten. But now it’s twenty-twelve and I can write a thing and put it on the internet that night and people I know can play a fun game of guessing where I get my ideas from right then and there.

Sigh. Anyway, if I feel a way about something, I’m usually the type of dude to say it out-loud to you. So I’ll try to be more clear that a thing on this website is fictional, and you guys try to separate the real-life Adam Dorsey that you know from the writer/twitterer/tumblrer that makes up shit on the internet.

In conclusion, I love you all. Let’s rent a van and take a road trip to New Mexico and see if we can find a crashed alien spaceship to make-out in. Hm, that gives me an idea for a story.

This. This tattooed on your soul. Being in trouble is such a...

Mon, 07 May 2012 14:36:00 -0700

This. This tattooed on your soul. Being in trouble is such a fake idea, you guys.

I found this on the internet. The whole thing kind of exists for...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 14:16:35 -0700

I found this on the internet. The whole thing kind of exists for the Al Gore joke at the end, but I think that’s what makes it great.

Tina Fey’s daughter is my spirit animal.

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 13:31:12 -0700

Tina Fey’s daughter is my spirit animal.

A Sexist iPhone Gamer Gives Relationship Advice

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 17:44:00 -0700

She did what, bro? To your face, bro? Damn, bro. Look, bro. Here’s the deal, bro. I’m trying tell you, okay, bro, just give me a second, bro.

Girls are crazy. That’s why they call them girls, bro. If they weren’t crazy, they’d call them bros, you know? But let me break it down for you, okay, it’s like this: You don’t need ‘em. The girls, I mean, because you can have them all, you know what I mean?

It’s like the popular iOS game Infinity Blade II, you know, the follow up to Epic Games’ other popular iOS game, Infinity Blade I. Like in that game, man, you have this Infinity Blade, okay, and you’re like a fucking God, you know, and you gotta like go on these adventures and you gotta stab dudes with your Infinity Blade and steal their power and level up and shit. Man, I’m telling you, it’s just like that. You got your “Infinity Blade”— if you know what I’m saying — and you gotta get out there and go on adventures and “stab” “dudes” with it and steal their “power” and “level up” and “shit.”

The Infinity Blade is your dick, bro.

Okay, okay, just making sure you were picking up what I was putting down. So you gotta do it, man! Stop feeling like you just got one ancestral timeline to go through, man, like you got one God King to slay, you know, man, YOU GOT MILLIONS OF GOD KINGS TO SLAY, okay, redheads and brunettes and blondes, ALL THE GOD KINGS, I mean you’re gonna be leveling up all that ish, okay, absorbing all they power and shit.

And like, stop acting like “casual” is a bad word, okay? You say “casual” like it’s an insult, like the ladies don’t love it, but you know what? Ladies LOVE “casual games,” okay? They be all up in those touch controls, them Angry Birds ain’t got nothing on these birds, okay, and they be acting like they not be into the Peggle, but all girls like to Peggle, okay? Balls bouncing around hitting pegs until some dramatic slow-motion and then Ode to Joy plays? Shit, son, that’s like the closest thing to lady porn I ever seen in an app store.

So forget that girl, and leave that hardcore gamer shit in the past, son. Nobody gives a shit whether you prestige seven times on the same game, okay? Let me float you some stats: 40% of players have dropped cash money on that free-to-play shit. It’s legit, dawg. Numbers don’t lie, because numbers don’t wear pants, you heard, so like what’s going to catch on fire? Exactly.

So get out there, man. There are plenty of apps in that app store sea, okay, dawg. Some of that shit free. And that youngin’ who be coming up on the street today? He ain’t be afraid of no goddamn in-app purchase, so why you be trippin’? Fuckin’ how else are those ladies gonna know your swagger if you ain’t be rockin’ some primo hat that matches your primo style? With a gee-dee in-app purchase, that’s right, playa.

Okay. I think I done given you all the advice you need, bro. That’s what a Game Center friend is for, motherfucker. Yeah. See you on Draw Something or whatever.

Hipster Racism is still Racism

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 13:29:00 -0700

“And that’s where this vein of hipster racism starts. It tests the idea that anything wrapped with enough irony can be transformed into something else. The more uncool the raw materials are — trucker hats, ugly T-shirts, mustaches, smoking crack — the better the trick. What it really does is say, “I do not care what other people think (aside from my immediate social set who are in on the joke).” That others aren’t in on the joke — watch me make racist jokes! — is the joke. So what if someone’s ironic racist or even real racist, right? Repeat the process enough and you get something like “What really bothered me most about Precious was that there was no representation of ME.”

‘Girls’ Writer Is Learning There’s No Such Thing as Ironic Racism - Entertainment - The Atlantic Wire

Every three months or so, I get really really upset about “hipster racism.” It’s a phenomenon that I discovered on my own, coined on my own, but it’s nice to see that the rest of the world feels similarly. Wait, “nice” is the wrong word. It would be “nice” if it didn’t exist.

I have unfollowed people on twitter because they were hipster racist. I have stopped hanging out with friends in real life because they are hipster racist. Because these people do not “mean any harm by it,” does not change the fact that they’re being racist, spreading racist ideas, hurting the feelings of the people around them, and —WORST OF ALL— being ignorant.

Because that’s where this hipster racism really comes from, a place of ignorance. These are white, middle-class twenty-somethings who grew up in healthy families where there was no racism. They went to mostly white schools where there was no racism. They lived in a white, middle-class bubble with no racism, and now they’ve grown up and they think that racism is an old thing that their grandparents used to have. So they dust off this vintage racism and they try it out—and just like the thick-rimmed glasses and vinyl records they’ve rediscovered—they play with this racism in an ironic way, and they find it hilarious. They find it quaint. It’s such a foreign idea to them, because they’ve grown up and lived in such sheltered communities, they find it hilarious. But it’s not. And when someone points out that they’re being racist, they laugh and say, LOL OBAMA IS IN WHITE HOUSE, NO SUCH THING AS RACISM.

But that’s not true at all. And people who have lived with racism their whole lives, people who see it all around them, know it’s all still there. And racism is still racism, even if it’s ironic.

And you can’t have the n-word. You can’t say it even if it’s the title to a rap song, and you can’t say it even if you’re just around your white friends, and you can’t say it at all, okay?

I haven’t seen “Girls” yet, and I hear good things, and I’ll probably check it out and like it, but this isn’t even really about that anymore.

"Enter Sundback, who was hired as an electrical engineer by the Universal Fastening Co. Solving the..."

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 10:25:05 -0700

“Enter Sundback, who was hired as an electrical engineer by the Universal Fastening Co. Solving the dilemma for the company was a way for Sundback to deal with his broken heart. His wife — the daughter of the plant manager — had died. “The grieving husband busied himself at the design table and by December of 1913, he had designed the modern zipper,” according to About.com’s Inventors page.”

- Gideon Sundback: Today’s Google Doodle honors zipper genius - latimes.com

I think there could be a Hudsucker Proxy style bio-pic about the guy who perfected the zipper.

Oh, man. I’ve been dreaming about this forever, just a...

Tue, 24 Apr 2012 09:49:48 -0700

Oh, man. I’ve been dreaming about this forever, just a sci-fi geek dreaming of blade runner sheep, and here it is, you guys, THE FUTURE. I totally want this, but would be worried I’d get too much attention for whipping it out in Starbucks. This is the future, though, you guys. THE FUTURE.

"Non-work update: Last night I ate a lot of mexican food, saw Lindsay Lohan, and then came home and..."

Mon, 23 Apr 2012 10:52:36 -0700

“Non-work update: Last night I ate a lot of mexican food, saw Lindsay Lohan, and then came home and tried to carbonate long island iced tea with my sodastream. So I’m back in LA, I guess, is what I’m trying to say.”

- Me, via skype chat to my co-workers.

"If I don’t say something in a rap or on Twitter, it’s not true."

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 14:36:54 -0700

“If I don’t say something in a rap or on Twitter, it’s not true.”

- Kanye West

Me too, ‘Ye. Me too.

Me and this sweater are totally on the same page.

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:15:05 -0700

Me and this sweater are totally on the same page.

This past week I did a shoot for the Avengers vs X-Men #1 launch...

Sat, 07 Apr 2012 11:29:18 -0700

This past week I did a shoot for the Avengers vs X-Men #1 launch event at Meltdown Comics. I’ve got a ton of footage, and you’ll be seeing it slowly reveal itself throughout the next couple months. The first bit you can find above, which is comedian John Roy doing stand-up about Ed Brubaker and his run on Captain America. It’s hilarious.

I had been working on the simple comic book panel special effects as a test for another segment, and thought they worked great for this one. Expect to see them evolve in the coming months, as I do more comic book themed shorts for Meltcast 2.0, which I’m a producer on.

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING CHROME XBOX 360 CONTROLLERS! I WANT TO...

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 14:13:50 -0700

LOOK AT THESE FUCKING CHROME XBOX 360 CONTROLLERS! I WANT TO LICK THEM UNTIL MY TOOTH FILLINGS TREMOR! I WISH THESE WERE AVAILABLE TODAY, BUT I’M ALSO LIKE SUPER GLAD THEY DON’T COME OUT FOR A WHILE BECAUSE NOW I CAN REALLY SPEND SOME TIME DECIDING WHICH COLOR TO GET. I MEAN, SILVER CHROME IS THE OBVIOUS CHOICE, BUT LET’S NOT DISREGARD RED CHROME AND BLUE CHROME, ALSO COMPLETELY VALID CHOICES. OH WOW, YOU THINK I CAN JUSTIFY BUYING THREE NEW CONTROLLERS?

MY XBOX LIVE SELF-ESTEEM IS GONNA GO UP SO MUCH, YOU GUYS. I PROBABLY WILL TURN THE MIC ON SOMETIMES WHEN I AM PLAYING GAMES AND MAYBE SAY SOMETHING TO PEOPLE LIKE FOR INSTANCE “YOU GOT OWNED, SIR” OR PERHAPS “GOOD GAME, GUYS.” OH MAN, HOPE THEY RAISE THE FRIEND LIMIT WHEN THEY RELEASE THIS CONTROLLER, BECAUSE I’M GONNA BE GETTING SO MANY FRIEND INVITES, YOU GUYS.

I WILL PROBABLY HAVE TO RECORD A RAP SONG ABOUT “ROLLING ON CHROME 360s WITH MY UPDATED D-PAD HOMIES, YO.” THAT ISH IS GONNA BE A CHART-TOPPER.

I shot and edited this yesterday for Meltdown Comics to promote...

Sun, 01 Apr 2012 12:06:13 -0700

I shot and edited this yesterday for Meltdown Comics to promote their upcoming Avengers -vs- X-Men event. Read all the event deets here. It was fun to make, and the turn around was really fast, which was stressful, but exhilarating. I’m real happy with how the video turned out.

I’m in the early phases of production on a weekly Meltcast show starring these guys, so look forward to that, probably premiering around June. It’ll be all about comics and other geek stuff, with a focus on all the people that make up the Meltdown Comics family.

An excerpt from my new urban horror movie "H2EZ"

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 19:43:15 -0700

"I think the water has become sentient."
"What?"
"I think the water is thinking for itself."
"I know what 'sentient' means, motherfucker! What I meant was, why the hell it gone and do that?"
"I don't know, but if we don't get out of here soon, there ain't gonna be no kids to save with our benefit rap concert."
"Bitch, you think I don't know we's made of two-thirds water? How the fuck I'm supposed to trust you?"
"Cuz I'm your brother, son, and BLOOD is thicker than WATER."
"True dat."